Pass the Gravy: Navigating the holidays

By: Jennifer Gutierrez, Registered Marriage & Family Therapist Intern

 

Navigating the holidays can prove to be a difficult task. When a family experiences estrangement, they may have emotional and physical distance between each other based on prior negative experiences. Estrangement may result from divorce, abuse, violence, marital conflict, conflicting belief systems, life transitions, unresolved feelings, substance abuse, and more. Rather than the traditional American depiction of generations at a dinner table laughing and smiling, the holidays with estranged members can feel more like an escape room than a gathering. If you have experienced estrangement or are going through it for the first time, you certainly are not alone.

In 2022, an online poll with 1000 participants demonstrated 1 in 4 Americans were not speaking to their families (Deseret, 2022).

Whether it be the rise in individualism, social contagion or generational shifts in perception, estrangement is on the rise in the United States. Consider the following tips to get through the holiday season.

 

Tips for Navigating the Holidays:

 

1. Set Boundaries

What are areas we avoid, topics of conversation that should not be discussed and family members that bring out the worst in us? If it is a viable option, it may be useful to approach family members before the holiday to set boundaries around topics of conversation. You deserve to feel comfortable – If you don’t want to engage in the conversation, pass on the topic. If you know that your safety will be at risk at the gathering, opt out of attending altogether.

 

2. Practice Self-Compassion & Mindfulness

What you are feeling is valid. If you find yourself feeling as though you’re going to explode, what helps you to self-soothe? Consider reciting a mantra in your mind or practicing deep breathing on a bathroom break. Identify an anchor for the holiday and use it to root yourself and calm your nervous system.

 

3. Create New Memories

Sometimes reconciliation with estranged family members is not an option – especially when your safety could be at risk. A possibility may be focusing the holiday season on establishing new traditions in environments where you feel loved, respected, appreciated, and welcomed. Take some time to consider the important people in your life – those who you feel energized with and ask yourself, what are some traditions I’m interested in possibly sharing with these people? “Family” does not have to be blood-related.

 

4. Create a Safety Plan: Anticipation and Preparation

Like football players on the field, we may need a plan of action. If you are attending an event with a companion, consider letting your companion know the signs that you have shut down mentally and emotionally. Agree upon a specific phrase that may alert this person that you are ready to leave. If you are attending alone, consider a plan of action for excusing yourself from the festivities and remarks you can make to exit a conversation. Consider what has gone south in the past and prepare for worst-case, best-case, and most likely-case scenarios.

 

5. Process Your Feelings Productively

It can be draining to engage in an environment we don’t feel safe in. Before and after the event, consider leaning into what makes you feel good – journaling, a walk through the park, going to therapy, treating yourself to a chocolate croissant, getting a massage, or grounding. Your mental health is important, and this holiday season is yours.

 

The holiday season can be difficult, but you are not alone. If you or a loved one are struggling to anticipate the holiday season, contact us to speak with a therapist.

 

Collins, Lois M. (2022) How many Americans are estranged from family members?, Deseret
News https://www.deseret.com/2022/12/21/23517721/1-in-4-americans-is-estrang…