Most Couples face difficult moments
All couples go through difficult times at some point in their lives together. Recognizing that both of you have entered a stage in which connecting with each other has become difficult and a thing of the past, is the first step towards claiming your relationship back from turmoil.
There are times when relationships are affected by common relationship problems such as the birth of a child, a move, a recent death in the family or just simply entering the empty nest stage. Regardless of what is going on in your relationship, you and your partner may not know how to create the satisfying, intimate relationship you crave.
When people consider couples counseling, it is common for one partner to feel unhappy, disconnected, lost and even unloved. You may find that it is extremely difficult to communicate about how difficult it feels or even really understand what is going on between the two of you. All you know is that the distance seems to grow larger and that
a sense of hopelessness begins to set in. You may even begin to wonder if separation and/or divorce is the only solution to your problems.
What happened to us?
One of the most common silent killer of relationships is disconnection from each other. Sometimes, we tend to get stuck in patterns that become destructive to our relationship. We may begin to yell, use hurtful words, attack each other's character or even just shut down to the point where it seems that nothing that is happening matters any more.
These patterns affect the way that we communicate to our partners, the way we hear their concerns, their attempts for closeness and their willingness to work on the issues at hand.
There are messages that we learned from childhood and from seeing our own family's relationship style. These patterns shape how we view and what we expect from our partners. Many times we are not even aware that these things are interfering with the most important person in our lives.
You may ask yourself, how is that possible? Sometimes, we fail to understand that we learn from the events or experiences that have hurt us, and we develop ways to emotionally protect ourselves.
Every couple has their own "cycle" or "dance steps" in which they get lost in when in conflict. Whatever your cycle, your negative patterns are likely to show up more frequently and more severely over time, as you and your partner anticipate each other's moves and react to the slightest sign of negativity- perceived or real. This can really wear down the love and respect that you have for each other resulting in disconnection and a sense of loneliness.
Couples counseling can really help....
Couples therapy provides effective ways to repair and improve your relationship. Therapy with an trained relationship counselor can help you learn to communicate, break repetitive negative cycles, heal from infidelity or resentment, increase intimacy, and bring you and your partner more happiness and joy.
Through counseling we are able to create change by learning to...
- Communicate with each other in a kind manner
- Get past hurts that keep getting in your way
- building intimacy & trust back into the relationship
- repairing your marriage in meaningful ways
- bringing your relationship from despair to happiness again
Why should we choose you as our therapist?
We are specifically trained in various models of relationship therapy including Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman model of treatment. We understand both personally and professionally, how difficult relationships can be.
In sessions, we offer compassionate, non judgmental space for you to be exactly who you are, without fear of criticism or rejection. The needs of each partner will be addressed, as well as fears, worries and sites. Together, we will develop a plan of action designed to decrease past resentments and hurts while we create a new version of the relationship based on trust and connection.
As such, we really work to get to the root of the pain without assigning blame or judgement. It is our heartfelt belief that all individuals long for connection and that the issue that gets in their way is the negative cycle that they get stuck in. With our help, we will be able to follow a clear path towards achieving the love and care that you deeply long for.
All relationships can become loving and fullfilling again.
You may believe that couples counseling can help heal your relationship, but still have questions or concerns…….
This is a fairly common scenario as both partners may not be necessarily ready to consider therapy at the same time. It is always important to let your partner know that you are really worried about the relationship and that you are considering counseling. Even if your partner is not ready to start counseling just yet, it may be beneficial for you to start the process individually. In my experience, once a partner sees positive changes taking place, they are usually more willing to come in and take a part of the counseling process.
It is understandable that you may feel very uncomfortable bringing up emotions from the past to your partner. As difficult as this may be, emotions have a tendency to linger with us and despite multiple attempts to “forget or to avoid” them. When you come into therapy, you can resolve the core emotions driving tension and creating strain in your relationship. As you develop a way to feel emotionally closer to your partner, you can begin to feel safer in communicating those emotions in a manner that your partner can understand and relate to thus creating a relationship that can be based in openness, connection and understanding.
The role of a couple’s therapist is to help you understand how your relationship has gone wrong and to guide you –for as long as you are willing to try- in how to repair it. The decision of whether to stay in your relationship always belongs to you and your partner.
Most couples can repair their relationship struggles if their expectations are realistic and if they are both willing to do the work. Your therapist can’t predict how much you and your partner are willing to work on improving your relationship. The determination to work on addressing the issues is really up to couple.
However, there are situations that make the counseling process much more difficult such as domestic violence, abuse of any kind and untreated substance abuse issues. In those cases, your therapist may refer you out to other clinicians to obtain the appropriate level of care.
There could be many reasons why therapy may not have worked in the past. For example, sometimes couples simply are not ready to face the difficult issues in their relationship, and sometimes the therapist or the therapeutic approach is not the best fit for the couple.
Relationship therapy should not be ruled out as ineffective before considering all the many reasons why therapy did not help. If results are what you are looking for, I encourage you and your partner to try counseling again. I use a highly effective therapeutic approach called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
Time and time again, EFT proves through research to be the most effective form of marriage counseling. You and your partner can learn to talk to each other in a new more open way in which you can feel closer. You can absolutely learn to rebuild a relationship that is strong and fulfilling.
As a therapist, I am keenly aware that there are two sides to every story, and I will not make either of you feel like you are wrong. I will organize your relationship experiences and difficult emotions in a way that makes sense given the context and history of you and your partner’s life.
This way, you won’t feel like you are the problem in your relationship. The reality is that the problem is the cycle that takes a hold of the relationship that creates an emotional disconnection between the two of you. Your relationship is my priority, and as such I will work hard to offer support, acceptance and guidance to both of you as we go through the process of understanding each other in new remarkable ways.
If you and your partner are ready to take the next step to schedule a counseling session with a therapist who utilizes an extremely effective couples counseling model that can give you the results that you are looking for, I invite you to give me a call.