Boundaries in Relationships 

Written by:  Nadinna Guerrero

Boundaries is a term used frequently today; however, I am not sure everyone knows what it means. Boundaries are another core element in relationships that go hand in hand with our needs.  Boundaries are the limits that we have set with others in our relationships.  These limits are based on what we feel comfortable with and what we determine and set before we enter relationships.

Boundaries will differ in different relationships, such as work vs family and friend vs partner.

Another way to understand boundaries is to think about what is allowed or isn’t allowed in your relationships.

 

First, we need to identify what our boundaries are.  Different types of boundaries include Time boundaries, Physical boundaries, Sexual boundaries, Emotional boundaries, Material boundaries, etc.

An example of a time boundary would be how much time is important to spend with your partner.

 

If you are the only one making the effort to spend time together, how is this mutually beneficial?  How is this going to last if both people are not contributing to the relationship?

In relationships, both people have to take accountability for their roles and contribute to the relationship, otherwise that is not considered a healthy relationship. What might happen is that eventually you may get sick of this and burn yourself out or there will be feelings of neglect that will continue to cause problems in the relationship.  This would be considered a porous boundary which is likely that you did not communicate your boundary in the beginning and would probably need to identify what your boundary is.

 

A material boundary could refer to whether you allow others to borrow your things, such as lending someone your car.  This would be detrimental if there was an accident, and the person did not have sufficient insurance or funds to fix the damages.  Another example is spending money.

What is important to you when sharing money, such as buying meals or when in a serious relationship, buying houses, cars, sharing bank accounts?

 

This needs to be identified and discussed to avoid conflicts.

Another example of boundaries would be how vulnerable you are in relationships, meaning what and how much information you share with others.  This also refers to how much you trust someone or open up to that someone.  If you are not vulnerable and have a hard time sharing emotions and feelings with others, then this would be considered a rigid boundary.

How can you have a relationship without trust and understanding of one another?

 

This is a tricky one to work with.  One way to improve rigid boundaries would be exploring what holds you back from sharing with others and learning how much to share with who and when.  There needs to be a person that we identify with that has demonstrated trust and love and that helps us to know when we can see this in others.  If not, then it would be important to explore these issues further to help understand what hasn’t worked in the past and what would be helpful for future relationships.  That’s what we as therapists are here for!

 

Second, we need to communicate our boundaries.  Just like with how we identify our needs and need to be firm with having our needs met in relationships, we have to identify and stick to our boundaries, otherwise, we will be disappointed, dissatisfied and probably suffer.  Plus, we will waste a lot of time in a relationship that is not respecting our boundaries when we could be looking for a more fulfilling relationship that will include a partner that understands and respects our needs and boundaries.

 

What is an important point to note is that we need to have a balance.  Just like everything in life, too much or too little can cause distress.  You and your partner need to determine what works, through communication and compromise!  How much time you spend together or how affectionate you are with one another will depend on many factors and will fluctuate over time.

 

We are happy to further discuss identifying and communicating boundaries in sessions, so please feel free to reach out and schedule with one of our fabulous therapists!

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