A heartfelt message to women who struggle with infertility.

By: Magaly Gauntlett

Dealing with infertility issues is one of the most painful and difficult moments that any woman can experience. It often feels that most people around us do not truly understand how hard it is on our souls and bodies.  Women have been preparing to become mothers since they were little girls. From playing dress up to pretending to feed their baby dolls, they automatically have in their mind “Once I get married, I will be a mother” and “I will be complete as a woman”. But for some women, including myself, this is not always a  reality.

Many women who are married have to deal with the constant question “When are you going to have a baby?” a question that haunts them day after day. As a someone who went through this heartache for a very long time, I know the anguish in hoping that on the next mother’s day, it will be the time to celebrate. So many women struggle to become pregnant and hope each month to finally receive the good news. Failing to get pregnant is extremely emotionally painful.

Every Mother’s Day, I had to put a smile on my face, and let everyone know that I was just fine, but I was carrying the emotional pain internally. I was the one designated to prepare the gatherings for all my friends who were mothers and to make their day special. This was not an easy process for me. Although, as I look back at these memories, I can say that it was worth it. I can also say that this was very difficult at times.

But how do we overcome this pain? How do we finally accept that motherhood may not be in our destiny and be ok with this new reality? 

At first, you go through denial, you cannot comprehend why this is happening to you, you are a woman who has always dreamt of becoming a mother, you start comparing yourself with others, and ask yourself” if they can, why not me?” to answer that question on your own is draining and sad. Some women feel guilty for not being able to procreate, especially because it is the natural thing to do. 

Society has wired our minds to make us believe that if a woman is not a mother, she cannot consider herself a fulfilled person.

I will always remember the time when a friend of mine got pregnant, and instead of being happy for her, I felt sad and disappointed because I had been trying to get pregnant for so many months without positive results. Once my friend gave birth, It was hard for me to see her. It took me a couple of days to gather myself together and finally meet her beautiful baby.

Difficult News……

Many months later, I was feeling defeated. Finally, when I went to the doctor, I received the painful news that I would not be able to become a mother because I had something called “Endometriosis.” At the time, I did not know what that was, but all I remember was having painful cramps every month.  I always thought that it was  completely normal, to have severe cramps during a menstrual cycle, is what I grew up witnessing from other women in my family and myself. After educating myself about this issue, I realized that it was not normal, and by that time, the pain was getting worse, to the point that  I could not do any regular physical activities or even feel strong enough to work. 

As the years went on and my health was deteriorating even further, I came to the realization that motherhood was not meant for me. After many tears, many questions that I couldn’t answer, and with the help of a doctor and my significant other, I came to the decision to finally LET GO and get a Hysterectomy to stop the excruciating pain I was going through from month after month to then almost every week.

Time to decide…….

I decided that my well- being and emotional stability did not  depend on becoming a mother, but on being first physically healthy and pain free, and at peace with myself. I realized that Motherhood does not make you a better woman than who you already are. 

There is hope……..

There is a still place for those of use who are not able to have a child. You get  to celebrate the joy with  your friends, your siblings and your mother on their special day. If you are a teacher, you get to be your student’s mother for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, if you are an aunt you get to be the one who spoils your nieces and nephews, and you have friends with kids, they will always consider you their second mom.

You don’t become a mother when you get pregnant or give birth, you become a mother once you have the capacity to love and care like one. 

Always remember, if you are struggling with infertility issues and the sadness and/or anxiety that comes from it, we are here to help. Give us a call today to schedule an appointment with one of our experienced therapists.